Thursday, December 20, 2007
In the midst of every hope, I saw despair...
I wonder and ponder... When will be the day I truly can feel hope...
When things happen so true and real to me, fears set in...
For all truth of the world could be so deceiving via the sight of my eyes... Believing the truth seems so hard to buy...
Penned Down @11:48 AM Y
Friday, October 5, 2007
It has been a week after my very last day with my Lab... and things are running perfectly fine for me for the past days and in fact I'm happy deep within my heart and grateful for what had happened... and also for the decision I've made to get myself out of a situation I'm not very happy in...
However, this morning, I feel of a shit within that I started to feel the hormones rushing for the sense of guilt and depression... I felt anxious and eager to get things done the way I wanted it to be... Those nights of lost sleep, those phone calls and messages, made be feel an utter fool to a certain extend, leading me to question myself... At times, I keep telling myself not to be such a kind soul as I never know what's under the other's sleeves... As much as that, I'm praying real darn hard for God to harden my heart as what He did to the Pharaoh's heart... I'm despair, not to the stage of desperation... for I knew there's limits in all mankind's doing... and I'm a mere human... I'm seriously tire and would like to get it set free to get the peace I always want and behold the faith I always believe in...
No words of encouragement can inspire me any further at this point of time, and I truly need a piece of quietness within my heart to truly believe, holding on to the faith that's been given to me...
Penned Down @1:25 PM Y
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Finally, approximately 15 minutes before knocking off, I tendered my resignation... Within me, it's a declaration of freeing myself away from redundancy... For years been in struggle to find the right direction in my life, for once I decide to take on a major break of 3 months... To bid goodbye to redundancy and will be trying hard to work on the strengths and talents I've... I want to work towards an area I'm very good at and focus on it...
It's a no turning back point... Pointless to feel redundant where the riches are all out there, awaiting for me to sow the riches out in those fields... It's time to breathe again, and I'm very eagerly to give myself the breathing space to truly recuperate; my mental health especially...
Forget about being a real Scientist... I can't possibly inspire the world with my humane mind in this way... The more I see myself in the lock-in systems within here, chances are I'd be very laid back and insignificant... Pointless to struggle as I deem... As pessimistic as what I myself and other think, it seems this is not for me...
Penned Down @4:00 PM Y
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
As such is my life... That's so typical of the process; in refusal to get out of the comfort zone, expecting things to happen... This always don't work the best... Grief has been more than enough, it's time to move on to another new chapter...
I hope, I expect... to the new beginning... But yet it seems so far and yet so near... I hope it's here, but it's not... Seems there still a long way to go... Stop it! As I said to myself, dreaming so far back to the future is not doing me any favour to reap the fruits I didn't sow at all... Focus on where I'm now is the key, for all fruits to be sowed in the end where I could enjoy...
I wish to lead the life I've always planned, and in urge to achieve it... Stumbling as it seems, something just hinder my way and I've to shift focus... It's at no dispense I should allow this to happen again... and when things are not right, something is wrong... Cause of the problem is solely within me... That I know and I shouldn't fall into indulgences always...
Penned Down @1:33 AM Y
Friday, August 17, 2007
It has been too stressful for me... I feel strengthless, breathless, unable to move, physically and mentally... I need to rest and lead a much much simpler life I can ever thought of without the worries of basic survival... But that doesn't just comes as easy...
Life has not been too good for me, and for the past months, I've seen myself wailing, screaming and crying for every reason I can find of to make myself feeling any better without doing anything constructive... This won't helps at all, as I already know but yet can't help being that pathetic, just like can't help falling in love... It doesn't matter who started the approach first, how the situation runs, etc... All I know I wasn't been any happier here and I can't see myself to be useful in the current situation... It's no one fault, neither am I or any others has to be blame in order to make the situation better or to make everyone feel better... Staying in a stage of self-abusing is definitely wrong and the more I got sunken inside, the more I feel the need to pull myself out from the well of miseries and start walking...
It has been finalised to a certain extend, and I truly know I'm not someone who can just simply change myself to anything I feel repel to without the sense of any interest at heart.... To deem the people and environment that causes me to lose the interest seems unreasonable, as passion from the heart will tend to make every situation suitable for your passion... It's the character of people I've worked with in my previous career made me realised I may not be suitable to pursue in this area... My mind and heart don't work this way... Times are different now, and without being rich, passion may means nothing... It has been for history and I've failed to see that with my naked eyes... TO trade passion with money... Sad to said, at the tender young age of mine, I only then manage to see this... On a positive and brighter side, it's a relief and it's time to move on... Greater opportunities open and I can only look forward but not back to my past... I can only climb up further but not down...
Penned Down @2:38 PM Y
